?

Log in

(no subject)

Oct. 3rd, 2008 | 02:33 pm
location: home..
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: metric

wow,i seriously haven't been on here since before school started.
ugh,well,honestly nothing has really changed.
my only friend at the highschool really is amanda,and that's it.
i've tried to make more friends,but really,i'm no good at it.
what other people consider to be 'friendly' i just find annoying.
mehh whatever.
things with my boyfriend are okay...i still have doubts.
after almost two years i am still having doubts about whether were right for each other.
that means something right? fuck it.
he's one of the only people that will even talk to me these days.
i have to write,i have some serious talking to do and i need to do it somewhere.
i have a drive at 3:30 though so i can't get too carried away.
i look through old pictures,pictures from like freshman year/sophomore year and i get such nostalgia. i miss my friends so much,and i miss the way my life used to be. i miss the way i used to be. my old friends seem so happy now with they're lives and i'm just fucking misserable.
it doesn't feel fair but maybe it is, maybe this is what i deserve because i'm a bad person.
i just wish things were different,fuck.
i miss all the good times i used to have.
i miss him. can't say who he is. miss the friendship we used to have, it sucks.
how long will it take for me to get over everyone? this is hell.
i miss partying with my friends, laughing with ana, talking with jessica, being crazy.
being a different person than i am now altogether. a totally different person.
now,i feel like i have nobody. maybe this is god's plan. to make me suffer.
i don't think i believe in god.
maybe there is something up there but not the god that the bible preaches about.
that shit it made up.
karma,maybe. maybe it's karma that should be held responsible for my misery.
i don't think anyone knows how unhappy i am except maybe my mom.
and a huge part of it is i miss kelli.
or i miss the person kelli used to be.
i was looking at old pictures and it brought back such memories.
back when we were so close,and happy.
god,i'm starting to tear up.
she replaced me with casey,who is a fucking faggot,or maybe i'm just an unaacepting pathetic bitch,it's probably the second one but it doesn't really matter.she replaced me.
were no longer like we used to be and that really breaks my heart.
i hate myself.
i hate my life and i hate the way things are.
i just want it to be over!
i know,i know,it's temporary right. things will get better.
but how fucking long is it going to take?
and then once things do get better how much longer until they're wrecked again.
why can't i find happiness? why can't i enjoy life?
i don't know what to do anymore to make the pain go away.
i would do anything to have my friends back and have things go back to the way they used to be.
what do i do.

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

the most honesty i've shared in years.

Sep. 13th, 2008 | 12:14 am
location: Fontana
mood: disappointeddisappointed
music: Adversity

week now,or at least it seems that way,i'm not totally sure how long it's been since i've made an entry.
it was before school started on september 2nd,i know that.
i can't really say it's because i've been too busy,because everyone knows that's not the case.
i get out of school at 11:30 and then sit and home until dane gets off work.
until then i drink with my mom and eat entirely too much.
i feel so pathetic at this point.
not because of the drinking.
or the fact that i waste the majority of my day doing nothing but sitting around and self indulging.
i have the worst luck,daniel is in my first two classes.
two out of the three each day.
he doesn't seem nearly as obsessed with me as he did last year,although he could just be hiding it better since last year i revealed how i felt about him.
he's probably humiliated,i would be.
my former friends still haven't said a word to me,they look happier than ever.
ana's style seems to have come up a couple of notches since last year.
he hasn't spoken to me either,not that i expected him to.
i knew he wouldn't,in my heart.
i tried not to give myself false hope,i used to do that all the time.
now that i count on nothing but the worst i seem to be a lot better off,less disappointed at the least.
the other day in the hall i did pass him,alone,just the two of us within a couple feet of the rest of everyone else and he looked forward into his path of travel as i stared blankly at his face,as he hurried past me.i couldn't help but smile,i don't know why.something inside me found it funny that the same boy i had crawled into bed with,kissed,touched,thought i loved looked past me as if i didn't exist.at the moment i didn't feel the least bit of sadness.i felt as though i was moving on at the time,but honestly i'm not sure if i am.i find myself glancing around the halls for him.trying to get the timing right so i'll pass him.i'm just inches away from being a stalker myself.maybe daniel and i are meant for each other after all.
and something else happened today.i saw jessica walking down the hall during break,to her locker,i think she saw me,but she looked away too fast for me to tell.i decided to do something bold,which i'm now regretting.i went up to her,i stood next to her hoping she'd look up and notice me but she didn't,i said her name.she looked up at me,she looked startled,scared,surprised,panicked.she said "hey,what's up!" like we were old friends who hadn't talked over the summer.like nothing had ever happened.i told her i had her calculator from last year that she let me borrow for a test and i asked if she wanted it back.which really is a lame topic of conversation,but i didn't know what to say.i didn't even know why i wanted to talk to her.maybe i'm over anger and now i'm in the middle of some other unknown stage of emotion.she said no,said she didn't need it since she was in applied math,and giggled.i smiled and said ok,walked away.such a pointless,ridiculous conversation.why were we talking?what was the point?why did i care if she got her god damn calculator back after how bad she hurt me.it made me look so small,so pathetic,so alone.which i am,and it's quite fucking obvious.
it was a mistake.
after the conversation had taken place and i was on my way to third period my eyes swelled with tears and i could feel my face begin to tighten.sitting in class i kept thinking about it.how much i missed my friends,how miserable i was,how happy they were.and i thought,maybe i deserve all of this,maybe this was god's plan.to make me suffer because i had done something very wrong.i must have really hurt some people to have to succumb to this pain.which i don't doubt,really.i'm sure i have hurt quite a few people,but never anyone who didn't deserve it.but then again,who am i to judge?i'm sure plenty of people think i deserve exactly what i'm going through.the question of the day in third period was "If you could change one thing about your life,what would it be?" i knew the answer to that question.i didn't even need to think about it.i wish i had my friends back.i wish i was no longer alone.
but i don't know if that's what i really want after all,that's what my heart wants,not my mind.my mind knows better than to get involved with people who could be so ruthless and hurtful.why surround yourself by people who you know will just hurt you later?pointless.
even if i had the chance to get back in the good graces of jess and ana i don't think i would.it was too much,i considered ending my life because of how worthless and unhappy i was,because the faith i had in mankind and the world was shrinking more and more every second.i realized how alone i was,i just never knew it until my friends abandoned me.
you probably think i'm being over dramatic,maybe i am.but does it really matter?feelings are feelings,and you don't control them.i'm sensitive i guess,that's all i have in my defense.
i don't think they'll ever know how much they hurt me.jessica is either the biggest follower i have ever met or she is the fakest person in the world.she could be doing this to me because of ana persuading her,or she could be doing this because she really just doesn't care.which i really don't know anymore,i used to think she was a better person than that but i guess not.
maybe i'm the bad person.i don't fucking know.either way,life sucks,everything sucks,i hate every minute of the day,nobody matters to me really,i don't matter.i don't make a difference in this world,and i don't want to because i hate everyone in it.i really am hopeless at this point i just wish i had the courage to really end things.once and for all.i really don't think it would matter.and don't try to feed me that bullshit about how people will miss me,because i couldn't think of a better reason to do myself in.i wish people would miss me.i wish i mattered,but i don't.my parents make it very clear that i am a spoiled little worthless bitch,in fact my mom happened to just tell me that earlier today.and my dad,well,that's a joke.
don't worry,i'm not going to do it.i won't end my life.don't worry.
i'm an intelligent girl,as far as common sense goes.
i'll just continue to live out my life self loathing.
life is pointless.
but don't worry,this isn't new news,i've believed that for quite some time.
even when i was happy with all the friends i could ever want and things were good.
i've known life was pointless.
my life,in particular,is pointless.
at least i'm not stupid enough to believe that i'm special.
i've got to find something better to kill the pain.
Tags:

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

i spent the night

Aug. 31st, 2008 | 11:14 pm
location: the lav residence
mood: sleepysleeeeepy
music: bright eyes-big old house

at dane's last night,told my parents i was staying with an old friend from last year.
it was rather nice.
we got a bunch of cheese pizza and cheesy bread and watched meet joe black.
back when brad pitt was still hot and didn't look like an overly tan monkey man.
aaaand then we took a bath and such.
and went and got desert at sonic.
i couldn't fall asleep though and i wanted to watch 'a little princess' on dane's laptop.
AMAZING movie,i told you i wanted to watch it! and i finally found it! on youtube.
so i had to stay up and watch.
and afterward when i was lying in bed with dane i was overcome with a very unexpected feeling.
loneliness.
i don't know what it was,maybe i was just craving some skin to skin contact.
maybe i was just being overemotional for some reason.
but i went back into the livingroom to sleep on the cough and sat there and cried.
then kaden opened the back door and i realized he'd been out there for a while.
and he turned the light on and see me all tear streaked...awkward.
but he offered to let me pick a movie out from his room since i couldn't sleep,so i did.
chicago.
another amazing movie.
i saw it for the first time last night,it was great,and usually i don't like musicals.
so that kept me awake and entertained til about 4 in the morning.
when i woke up it was ten something and kaden was standing in the livingroom.
i wondered if i had been talking in my sleep,i tend to do that.
after that i layed on the couch and then went and laid in bed with dane and woke him up.
i realized something the night before.
i really loved dane.
the kind of love where you would do anything for the other person.
the kind of love where you realize how much they love you and you just want to return the love.
the kind of love where if you ever hurt this person you know it would KILL you.
i couldn't hurt dane,cheat on him.i've been in the situation too many times to count,and believe me,i've been tempted,but i never did,because i couldn't bear hurting him.
it was like,even though i wanted to at the time,i couldn't do it.i couldn't hurt him like that.
i don't know,i feel as though i'm just rambling.
and this is very personal after all so maybe i should just shush.
but he means a lot to me,a whole lot.

i doubted love for a while.i really did.
i thought maybe only lust existed,not love.
feelings are temporary.
but i think i believe now.
i think i love him.
and i want to show him.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

thinkin bout last night

Aug. 29th, 2008 | 10:11 pm
location: chateau a la sarah lav
mood: contentroast for dinner
music: rocky votolato-postcard from kentucky

last night dane came over and we went to the store and bought paninis from safeway

that's what they look like,and they are fricken delish
mine was havarti and turkey,seriously good stuff

yeah i already told you that in my last post,but you need to try one if you haven't already
anywayZzzz after that post,amanda called me at like 12:30 or something
and she said she had the house to herself because her family went camping
and she had weed from the other night left over
and the other night when i spent the night with her my mom was pissed cuz i said i'd only be gone for an hour,so it took a whole lot of persuading to get her to let me out of the house again
finally she let me go,but only if i cleaned my room today and came home early
so last night at amanda's
we got reeeeally high and then went and baked these cookie/brownie bars
and we stayed up til like 5 something in the morning doing that
then we fell asleep and amanda got me up at like 9:30 because she had to go meet up with her family to camp and i was soooo tired
as soon as i got home i went straight to bed and slept til my mom left for work
i didn't end up cleaning my room either
i kept getting to distracted with other shit
but hey,maybe i'll somehow miraculously finish before she gets home at midnight
who knows man!
anyway sunday should be nice
me and dane planned to get a bunch of pizza and cheesy bread and watch movies
and i can sleep over and hang out,i'm excited
although,i'll sleep in the living room because i don't like sleeping in bed with dane
because i just feel too vulnerable or something,that's just my personal time
i like to be alone

aha,anyway,i have a drive on sunday,my second drive,intenseee
i am not looking forward to it,i get so nervous with that lady in the car
oh well,hopefully i'll do alright
i can not wait to get a job
and a car!

okay i'm gonna go,laterrrrz

Link | Leave a comment | Share

i'm getting pretty

Aug. 28th, 2008 | 10:33 pm
location: my personal hut
mood: peacefulyeah i'm alright
music: the cranberries-zombie

antsy for school to start, i need something to keep me busy.
i ate so much less during school!
but that might be tougher this year since i have such a long lunch before college classes.
whatever, hopefully i'll lose a couple pounds.
last night at 12 something amanda came and picked me up and i got some money from my mom and we went and bought a dub from some guy she knew and we hung out at his house and took knife hits.
i was sooo high,i was considering actually starting a laugh with the two mexican guys we were smoking with and moving in to they're shitty house and living there.
i honestly thought about it.
then we afterwards we went to mcdonalds and got flurrys.
they were delicious.
and then amanda made me spend the night because she said it would be easier.
but she had court this morning for truancy and we had to wake up at like 8 something.
and this morning i couldn't find my purse and i was pretty sure i left it in the car overnight.
and amanda's window doesn't roll all the way up and it wasn't there.
so i was kind of freaking out.
but i got home and went to bed until like 2 something, i was so fucking tired.
then my mom woke me up before she left for work and i got up and tried to find something to eat.
i ate some chips and then started to eat a bowl of icecream but i didn't want it so i gave it to my dog maggie.
then later on i met up with dane, we worked all the shit out.
apparently he wasn't saying that he didn't want to have sex and he hadn't understood i wanted to the next day.he just thought i was asking what he wanted to do.so whatever.
we ended up hanging out today and we ate paninis and watched zoolander.
it was a good night.
i was supposed to clean my room but i am so god damn lazy.
maybe tomorrow.
anyway,yeah,that's about it,life is boring.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

yesterday

Aug. 27th, 2008 | 09:35 pm
location: NARNIA
mood: pissed offfuck
music: jt money

i didn't post anything because i just didn't feel like writing.
nothing interesting enough to write about.

you know what i really wonder?
who do i want to be?
i can't figure it out and i change my mind constantly.
it might help if i knew who i was.

yesterday i did nothing,hung out with dane,we layed in bed and played 'would you rather' have sex with, which took up a considerable amount of time.
and tonight i went to brandi's because she got a new kitty who's cream colored and really sweet,his name is mickel,like nickel without the n.
and i brought rascal over for a play date and he hated mickel and growled at him the whole time.
but i think he was mostly just scared.
we went to lunch too,at great house springs.
it was good but i ate too much today,once again.

then i went over to dane's and we watched the movie bully by larry clark,and cuddled and kissed.
and then when it was getting late and i was about to leave we went in his room and layed on his bed and kissed,and i told him i wanted to have sex with him,and then i said,"what are you doing tomorrow?",and you know what he said?
"maybe clean out my car,i dunno,hang out at home"
the fucking bastard would rather fucking clean his car and hang out alone at his apartment that fucking have sex with me,and we haven't fucked in like two weeks or some shit.
either he's fucking queer or he's cheating on me or he just doesn't like me or some shit.
i don't know what it is but what kind of a guy says that?
what kind of a guy would turn down sex with his girlfriend to clean out his fucking car?
i guess it's pretty possible that he just isn't attracted to me.
maybe i should break it off, i feel so insulted.
i guess i should at least talk to him before breaking up with him.
i am so upset right now, and i feel so unattractive.
Tags:

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

changes

Aug. 26th, 2008 | 12:55 am
location: mi casa
mood: guiltyguilty
music: lupe fiasco

The title of this post,changes,is what it is because today things felt especially different.
It feels like my life has totally changed,and not exactly for the better.
When I moved here Freshman year it was a fresh start.
I hated Chelan.
Wenatchee was almost the exact opposite of Chelan.
Everything was different.
You know how in books and movies kids expect to move and all of they're problems will melt away and they will change
they're identity and become someone else,and everyone will love them.They'll make lots of friends and be popular and happy.
Well that's sort of how things were at first for a while.
Most of my problems did melt away,my depression got a lot easier to deal with,and I was honestly pretty happy.
My identity,and the way people viewed me changed completely.
In Chelan I was an outcast,a loser,a loner.
Everyone thought I was poor and ugly and made fun of me constantly.
When I moved to Wenatchee everything was different.
People actually tried to get to know me,they accepted me.
I think when you grow up in a small town,you grow up with a reputation that you will never be able to shed.
You will never be viewed as anything other than who you were in first grade.
At least that's what it felt like for me.
Maybe things would have changed during highschool but I doubt it.
I'm glad I never had the chance to find out.

So,like I was saying,things changed for me once I moved.
Things got a whole lot better at first.
I was with Kelli,and I made quite a few good friends.
I had fun and I didn't know enough about Wenatchee to worry about my repuation.
I wish I had stayed that way because I think I used to be a lot less judgemental.
But as I've gotten more and more used to Wenatchee,the more I'm starting to hate it.
And the more it's starting to hate me.
I want things to go back to the way they were at first.
I guess it was mostly just a feeling of relief and happiness to have escaped my life in Chelan.
And I guess over time that feeling just sort of wore away,which I guess is only natural.
I don't know,maybe I'm one of those people who would be happy traveling, haha.

But seriously,things are so different now.
I don't feel nearly as close to Kelli as I used to.
I think we both have a lot of resentment towards each other.
Sometimes it feels impossible to talk to one another about certain things.
Maybe that's what happens when you go through so much with a person.
I really don't know what I'm talking about I guess.
I just want to feel like she's happy being in my company.
I want to feel like she really loves me,I miss that feeling.
I miss feeling like I had a best friend.

Today:
Kelli called me to tell me she was in town and wanted to hang out.
I was at the high school getting my annual picture taken.
Which turned out really goofy,by the way.
So I went back home and waited for her to come over.
Once she got there, with Katy her sister, we all went to the store with my mom.
It seemed like we were in Safeway for literally 5 hours.
Finally we left and when we got home Amanda called and offered to come pick Kelli and I up to smoke.
Kelli's sick though,so she didn't want to,but Amanda came and got us anyway.
We went to her brother's house for a while and then afterwards she drove us back to my house.
Then we met up with Dane to see if Sonic was open, which it wasn't :[
Then we all went back to my house and ate dinner and watched movies and had blueberry pie.
Then Dane left and Kelli and I drank coffee and talked for a while before she went to bed at 11.
I wish I could fall asleep at 11,it's 1:15 in the morning and I'm wiiiiide awake.

While we were talking Kelli told me this story about Casey,her boyfriend.
Who I don't like,by the way.I think he's pretty much a psycho.
So this was the story she told me,
Apparently while she was up at the cabin in Chelan and he was at home visiting family in Wenatchee they were talking on the phone and he said he had to go but he asked her to text him.So they get off the phone and Kelli starts texting him,since he asked her to,and he says,"Look I can't text the entire time,I'm trying to visit with my family",and Kelli was all confused since he asked her to text him in the first place,but Kelli isn't really one to argue so she says,"But you told me...nevermind.Okay,Bye then".Then Casey freaks out about how Kelli is so disrespectful for being so short with him and she was being so immature for reacting that way.Almost making the situation out to be like she was being needy when in reality,he's the one who calls every ten minutes to update her on the episode of CSI he's watching.So Kelli was like,"Well I don't really know what you expected me to say",and he starts demanding that she calls him,"You better call me right now".Well up at the cabin there is absolutely no service unless you walk up this big hill.On this particular night it was raining outside and freezing outside so Kelli tells him she can't call him because she doesn't want to walk up the mountain in the cold rain.Pretty understandable if you ask me.But he demands that she calls him,"SO WHAT,i'm standing in the rain too,stop making a big deal out of it and walk your ass up that hill"he says.So Kelli walks up the hill and calls him so he can yell at her some more and ask her what the fuck her problem is when Casey is the one who is totally overreacting and being a freakazoid.Then Kelli tells me,"He says it's the little things that count".
In my opinion,the guy is a total weirdo.First of all,Kelli didn't even do anything wrong,she acted in a completely logical way,even respecting his request to spend time with his family without having to text and he flipped out on her.I just don't understand guys like that.Kelli says casey takes classes for anger management,which really doesn't surprise me,but apparently they're not working all that well.The main reason I don't like Casey is the way he misconstrues Kelli's words,manipulates her into believing she did something wrong,even though Kelli knows she didn't,but Casey always gets her to admit that it was her fault,and the fact that he is so completely OBSESSIVE.
Calling all the fucking time,threatening to break it off because she didn't answer a phone call,He even called me crying once because I asked Kelli not to take his call while she was at my house.
I just really hope Kelli comes to her senses soon and realizes that they're relationship isn't the slightest bit healthy and that Casey isn't good for her,and I really hope she realizes it all before it's too late.
I don't want him to have a freak-out and hit her or something weird like that.Kelli is just attracted to the worst kinds of guys.
Even though Casey is a complete nut job,he's still better for Kelli than Adrian was.
But that's a totally different story.

I put on my pajama pants today and they were tight! Pajama pants! They are not supposed to be tight!
And they never were before just recently.
I think I've gained some serious weight,I can tell the way my clothes fit differently.
IT IS TIME TO DIET.
I just simply do not have the willpower.
I need some real inspiration.
Tomorrow I'm going out to dinner with Dane at my favorite place,The Thai Restaraunt.
So tomorrow I'll try and hold off all the way until dinner and not eat anything.
And then eat nothing after and then I'll work down from there after tomorrow.
My mom did just go grocery shopping though and she bought lots of goodies,which will make it even more difficult.

Kelli is going to Seattle tomorrow to visit Casey for like a week.
I kind of wish she wasn't.
Not just the fact that Casey is so weird,but more just the fact that I miss spending time with her.
Casey isn't actually as weird in person as he seems through stories or over the phone.
In fact the first couple times I hung out with him I actually thought he was a pretty cool guy.
Except for he was so flirtatious,which is obviously not a good trait in a boyfriend.
But Casey says it's just his way of complimenting girls,which sounds like bullshit to me.

Today we talked about Kelli moving in and going to school down here.
She sounded sort of iffy but I can tell she wants to.
I just hope she doesn't find some stupid reason to hold her back.
She says it would be a hassle moving from CHS to WVC.
But I told her that the transition would be worth it.
Classes at the college will benefit her a million times more than classes at crappy Chelan High will.
Besides she's got friends down here and my parents really want her to move in.
She wouldn't have to deal with the shitty drive up and down from the cabin every day.
She wouldn't need to worry nearly as much about gas,because she'd be using about a tenth of what she's using now.
Tomorrow I'm going to bug the shit out her until she finally calls the college and tries to register.
She needs to do this for herself.
If she doesn't she'll regret it,just like Amanda said.

I am bored and restless and I don't know what to do with myself tonight/this morning.
I do my best writing at early morning hours I think.

As I told you before,I've picked up a habit of drinking.
But lately,mostly on account of how chubby I am getting,I haven't drank any beer lately.
That shit is jam packed with calories and I just can't afford it right now.
Vodka is the way to go baby,haha,I'm just kidding.
I think I'll just hold off on the drinking for a while,or try at least.
I need to concentrate on school and getting my fucking license.

Oh and one more really annoying thing Casey does and I know for a fact this bugs Kelli.Lately he's been referring to her as 'Chunk' or 'Chunky',which is really fucked up if you ask me.Especially since all that Kelli has put in her mouth for the past three years is raisons,coffee and celery sticks.She even told Casey she had an eating disorder and he told her it wasn't possible.What an idiot.I hate how lots of people have the mentality that I've your not a stick your obviously perfectly healthy.When in reality,lots of girls today have anorexic/bulemic tendencies that people often fail to see.Lots of these girls look 'normal',but they've battling a deadly epidemic.Kelli looks a lot different than she did three years ago.She used to be very athletic,very toned and muscular,she took a lot of pride in her six pack.Then one day she started to diet,got down to 90 some pounds and ever since then she's been 'dieting'.Maybe she doesn't look like she's on the verge of death,but that doesn't mean she isn't dealing with a serious problem.People can be so closed minded and ignorant sometimes.
But the fact that Kelli has eating issues is beside the point.No guy should ever call a girl fat,and the same goes for girls to guys,since eating disorders arn't gender specific.That is one of the worst possible things you could say to someone as far I'm concerned is "Your too fat".
Lots of people can't control what they look like because of genetics,or fuck,maybe they just enjoy eating.Who really cares.It's nobodies business.Accept people for who they are and stop being so fucking critical.
Saying that sort of thing is what causes low self esteem which can often be the cause of eating disorders. I just think it's wrong to say something like that to someone.

I watched the movie Awake tonight.

It was about this guy who goes into surgery to get a heart transplant and he just got married to Jessica Alba and his doctor friend is performing the surgery.
The main character has so much faith in his friend and trusts him so much, and he is so in love with Jessica Alba.
So he goes into this surgery and the entire time he's actually awake.
He can feel everything,he can hear everything,he can think.
But he can't move on account of the medicine that they gave him which paralyzes his body.
So while he's in surgery he actually finds out that his doctor friend,and the rest of the people doing the operation on him have a horrible secret that could cost him his life.
AHHH it's such a crazy movie,so many surprises,and such a good plot.
Not to mention it's based on a true story and the main character, Hayden Christianson, is absolutely gorgeous.
He's got really beautiful eyes.
So anyway, next time you've got a little free time or whatever you should definitely rent it.
Tags: ,

Link | Leave a comment | Share

the days

Aug. 24th, 2008 | 05:06 pm
location: my prison
mood: blankblank
music: crystal castles-courtship dating

vary from hard to easy breezy
i change my plans frequently
i make split second decisions
i feel the pain in my stomach
it doesn't ease until i correct it
only i can correct it
i usually do
today is right in the middle
quite lonely
but nothing too uncomfortable
right in the middle
i strongly believe happiness is only temporary
sometimes life doesn't seem so beautiful
sometimes it does
life is all about the moment your living in
absorb the moment
let it determine you










i don't write poetry...ever
i don't even know if that would count as poetry
poetry has rules
those are just thoughts

i was supposed to go to dinner tonight at 5 with dane and his parents
it's now 5:11 and i am sitting at home
some people would say that my life is pretty worthless
i sleep too late and i occupy myself with non beneficial activities

i had the worst dream ever last night
my mom was sleeping with a drug dealer and we were living at his house
[which doubled as a water park]
and i was always seeing people i knew going in and out
and my old friend from chelan laurel was there
and i haven't seen her in years
and she wrote me a letter saying that she forgave me
and all of my old best friends were there
and the card had they're names on it too
then for some reason
we went to this big play room where we were told to stay.
that was filled with big queen sized beds,computers,a television
and i was looking through a photo album
there were lots of pictures of kelli as a child,who wasn't there
and we had to get into these beds
and in one of the beds was me,some other girl and daniel
and daniel kept trying to kiss me and touch me and i kept screaming
and rolling out of the bed
and then i was walking down a hall,to the bathroom,by myself
and i started to cry because i felt so violated and frustrated
then it was over

i slept til 2:30 today
until my mom left for work

daniel was my stalker,last year
he never tried to touch me or kiss me or anything
he followed me,he knew where my locker was,he left notes in there
he would write me and tell me how much he loved me
how i was his everything
i feel like i'm breaking some kind of confidentiality code writing this down
like i shouldn't be telling anyone about this,but i guess it's okay
it wasn't really that serious
as soon as he gave me the letter telling me how obsessed he was
i went and talked to my counselor,showed him the note
he switched my classes
i told daniel not to write me anymore
and after that he didn't
the weird thing was,i never even spoke to him
not more than a sentence then entire year
how could he love me?
what was going through his head?

but deep down i always wondered if maybe i was the same way
maybe i had the same mentality daniel did
in fact,i had dreamed up a love that may or may not have ever existed
i won't say who with
i will never say who with
i'm just saying,maybe it wasn't as weird as it seemed at the time

why i had that dream,i don't know

i have four mysterious scratches on my left arm
how did they get there?
rascal?
i don't remember him scratching me
i remember fighting last night in my dream
woke up with cuts on my left arm
strange

but the dream makes sense to me
i was rereading it,and it makes sense
i'm going to explain what i think it means

my mom sleeping with a drug dealer probably has something to do with all of the boyfriend my mom used to have when her and my dad were split up,luis,the mexican cowboy,brian,the computer nerd.
the most random of men.i wouldn't have been surprised if she WAS dating a drug dealer who lived in a lunchbox sized apartment that doubled as a waterpark.
oh,and i think the waterpark was just an excuse for my friends to be there.
i don't know why i thought of laurel,that part doesn't make sense at all.
and it was strange about the card that said they forgave me.
after what happened with my friends,i have been waiting for something.
i don't know if it was forgiveness i was waiting for.
that actually could be the result of everyone telling me i should just get over what happened and give them another chance.
and amanda telling me to apologize for anything i had recently done.
but i disagreed with what amanda said,i don't believe i owe anyone an apology.
but maybe the fact that the card said they forgave me meant something.
the play room makes sense too.
i'll be starting school soon, i'll be in classrooms.
unable to leave upon desire.
and being trapped in the bed with daniel,being violated by him.
i think that has something to do with the fear i have of being in class with him next year.
a fear of repetition of what happened last year.
the photo album with kelli.
i honestly think that means that i miss how kelli used to be.
and the person she is now,is never there for me.
which represents her absence in the dream.
and seeing the photos made me miss her, how i wish she was there for me.
walking to the bathroom alone,crying.
that actually happened last year.
during the whole incident with daniel i skipped lunch,and walked to the bathroom instead.
sat in one of the stalls and cried.
so i think all of that represented my fear of having it happen all over again.

i wonder what laurel meant.

anyway,i'm going upstairs
i've spent too much of the day downstairs in this dark,windowless room
too much time on the computer
Tags:

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

i wear my scars like the rings on a pimp

Aug. 24th, 2008 | 12:05 am
location: my castle
mood: boredand itchy!
music: another travelin' song-bright eyes

i live life like the captain of a sinking ship-atmosphere


that guy is a genius, his lyrics are insanely good
so, so far i'm doing pretty good at keeping up with this journal entry shit :]
i decided i want to redecorate my room
mostly with shit from urban outfitters because they have cute rugs and sheets and things like that
and paint my walls too, maybe sort of an olivey green, i think that'd look pretty gooood
god my computer is being so fucking weird, it's pissing me off and making me freak out
i need to call somebody to come check it out, i don't want it to crash
tonight i watched beetlejuice at dane's with dane,hailee and kaden
i just love winona

that movie used to be one of my all-time favorites when i was littler
that and a little princess, which i have been trying to find all over town for the last week
i can't seem to find it anywhere, but then again i've only checked hastings and blockbuster
maybe i'll just have to buy it through amazon

so as far as my to-do's went:
-i didn't clean my room,i did get my 'winter stuff' bag out and try on all of my scarves though!
-i didn't even set foot outside today until the sun was going down
-didn't go through my clothes
-didn't put prices on any of the clothes for the yardsale,but i did find an old sweater in the give aways that i wanted to keep! :)
-definitely didn't clean rascal's kitty box,he came home with sticky brown stuff all over his mouth tonight and i was really grossed out, he's a nasty cat
-my mom did my laundry before i even woke up this afternoon so that was kind of nice
but she didn't wash my favorite jeans and i can't wear them because they are covered in frosting
-I DID TALK TO MY MOM ABOUT A HAIR APPOINTMENT! it's next wednesday :]
-AND I TOOK A SHOWER AND WASHED MY HAIR but i didn't shave because i'm seriously lazy
[whoo big accomplishment,aha]
-didn't swiffer, i stared at a brown stain on my carpet and then went and watched the oc reruns

lol,i suck,who cares
after we watched beetlejuice dane and i went on a walk to lincoln park and we went swinging
it was cute
and then tommy called dane and he talked on the phone most of the way back
although i can't blame him, it must be hard having your best friend move to another state
i've never had any of my good friends move away

oh and i couldn't find any midol last night so i took two ibuprofen & a tylenol extra strength
and some biotin, a vitamin that supposedly helps your hair grow faster aha
and afterwards i felt really sick and i thought maybe some of my dad's methadone got mixed in
and then i got all freaked out
that shit fucks me up
all of the times i've ever tried it i've thrown my guts up
my dad has it because he had a really crazy back surgery and never fully recovered
so he has a bunch of heavy pain meds in the cupboard
aha but eventually i fell asleep and after that i slept like a baby

OH and
the song Hello Seattle by Owl City is really fucking annoying
i've been hearing people sing it nonstop for the past couple months
and i hate the fuck out of it

i would never want to move to seattle
everyone says they want to move there but honestly i know i would get so tired of it
too much going on, and that lifestyle in general just isn't for me
sometimes i just like my peace and quiet
not to mention i grew up in small-town chelan,on a hill,secluded from everyone
and i loved the privacy
it seems like living in the city you wouldn't have much of it
maybe i'm wrong, but i prefer the size of wenatchee
much more sensible :)
although i would love to visit NY
and lots of other big cities
i do enjoy the city, don't get me wrong
just not for everyday living

and i'd also never want to live in bellingham
and if your reading this,chances are you probably don't even know where bellingham is
it's pretty small i think,it's in washington
i've never even been there
but from what i hear,it's just like every other smallish town,like monroe or yakima
just another town
the thing about bellingham is that it's where all the weed is coming from
and pretty much everyone in wenatchee is obsessed with smoking bud
so naturally, everyone ends up moving there
stupid

if i was planning to move out of wenatchee i would put some more thought into than that
in fact,i have put some thought into it and this is what i've decided

like i said before,i am planning on attending the seattle art institute
and if things work out,i'd like to live somewhere in the outskirts of seattle
but not too far
somewhere like kirkland or burien
probably somewhere more like burien because kirkland is pretty expensive
but kirkland really is beautiful
my brother's wedding was in kirkland and i loveddddd it there
my brother lives in burien
it's less than an hour outside of seattle
way less, 10-15 minutes maybe
but it's still a small town
it's like seattle is a big,huge tree and there's a little bird's nest at the top of it
and that's burien :)
and my brother has a little apartment in his backyard that he's renting to some guy
and he says if i do end up going to school over there he would let me live there instead
which is great

i spilled beer on my phone a couple days ago,does beer do water damage to your phone?
i'm guessing it probably does
i need to take my phone into verizon asap to see if i can get it replaced
i have an env,but the front screen doesn't work and they can't figure out why
and last time i went in they said they could replace it but i needed my dad's permission
since he was the one who was in charge of the account
and he wasn't with me so i couldn't get it replaced
and i haven't been back since because i'm lazy and so is my dad
hopefully though,it doesn't have water damage,because if it does they won't replace it
even if the thing wrong with it has nothing to do with water damage
which is pretty stupid
my last phone the charger wouldn't fit in it and i took it in to have it replaced
but it had water damage so it couldn't happen
stupid

i am seriously going off about a bunch of shit i'm SURE you could care less about haha
my mom says i should get up early tomorrow so i can visit with the family
......nope
i definitely prefer sleeping til 2 over visiting with my parents
yep

anywayyy i guess that's it for today
nothing of any importance,what's new :)

Link | Leave a comment {3} | Share

to do list for tomorrow

Aug. 23rd, 2008 | 03:56 am
location: soon to be in my bed
mood: sorecraaaamps! :\
music: the honey trees

ALSO.
for the agenda tomorrow:
-clean my room
-try and soak up a little sun,considering i look like snow white and it's august
-go through my clothes...again
-call amanda and let her scavenge through my old clothes to see if she wants any of them
-put prices on the rest of them so we can finally have our long overdue yardsale
-clean out one of the spare bedrooms so kelli can hopefully move into it,maybe it'll give daddy a little push on his decision making too :]
-clean rascal's kitty box :| ew
-DO LAUNDRY[most important one on the list]i haven't worn jeans in over a week because every pair i own is dirty, i've been wearing sun dresses all week and it's getting seriously old
-talk to my mom about making a hair appointment at elements
-take a shower/wash my hair/shave
-swiffer my floor

that's all that comes to mind as of right now, but i thought i should write it down before i went to bed because if i didn't i would just be laying in bed with shit running through my head not being able to sleep, and i want to sleep. i'll probably think of some more things i'll need to do tomorrow and hopefully they don't keep me awake. ugh i have cramps. i need midol.
okay goodnight, seriously.

Link | Leave a comment | Share